March 2017

Episode 12 – Why does Singleness Matter?

March 31, 2017

Gayon Nicole is the host of She Ventures Now Podcast where she shares encouragement and tips on lifestyle redesign regarding love, career, and business. In this first season, she shares what this podcast is about and different ways she ventured to create the life she loves. Upcoming seasons include interviews with millennial women about their singleness, interviews with career changers, and interviews with young entrepreneurs about their business start-up journey.

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Episode 12 – Why does Singleness Matter?

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in Podcast, Singleness

Episode 11 – Why I Interviewed Single Women

March 24, 2017

Gayon Nicole is the host of She Ventures Now Podcast where she shares encouragement and tips on lifestyle redesign regarding love, career, and business. In this first season, she shares what this podcast is about and different ways she ventured to create the life she loves. Upcoming seasons include interviews with millennial women about their singleness, interviews with career changers, and interviews with young entrepreneurs about their business start-up journey.

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in Podcast

Episode 10 – #SheVenturesNow….into Emotionally Healthy Living

March 17, 2017

Gayon Nicole is the host of She Ventures Now Podcast where she shares encouragement and tips on lifestyle redesign regarding love, career, and business. In this first season, she shares what this podcast is about and different ways she ventured to create the life she loves. Upcoming seasons include interviews with millennial women about their singleness, interviews with career changers, and interviews with young entrepreneurs about their business start-up journey.

In this episode, I want to share what I’ve been up to in changing the way I think and live with regards to emo-mental health. And so for this podcast, I’ll be sharing a bit about my past, steps I’m taking to be more emotionally healthy, and then resources that have greatly helped me on this journey.

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Episode 10 – #SheVenturesNow….into Emotionally Healthy Living

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in Podcast

Episode 9 – #SheVenturesNow….into Setting up a Home Office

March 10, 2017

Gayon Nicole is the host of She Ventures Now Podcast where she shares encouragement and tips on lifestyle redesign regarding love, career, and business. In this first season, she shares what this podcast is about and different ways she ventured to create the life she loves. Upcoming seasons include interviews with millennial women about their singleness, interviews with career changers, and interviews with young entrepreneurs about their business start-up journey.

In this episode, I want to share what I did to set up my own home office.

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Episode 9 – #SheVenturesNow….into Setting up a Home Office

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in Biz Start-up

Top 5 Ways to Not Start a Business

March 8, 2017

Many are the battle wounds of the overly enthusiastic and unseasoned entrepreneur. And just like one proverb puts it, zeal without knowledge is just not good. From my experience in starting different businesses (and failing at them), I’ve come to see the treasure of listening to others who’ve gone before me. I mean, if hindsight is 20-20, then why not listen to others’ hindsight and get some corrective lenses for your astigmatic foresight, right? Right.

To that end, here’s 5 ways to fail at starting a business. Keep or trash:

Run ahead of yourself and literally start the business to meet your actual needs for today.

Did this back in 2014. I had been tooling with life coaching for about a year and some change. After leaving a stable job for different, yet unstable/toxic one, I decided to quit and go full-time with my business endeavors. In reality, I split my time working for two small business owners on project work to keep the lights on and use my left-over time to work on my own gig. Money was really tight. And instantly, I saw the glamour of entrepreneurship is not all that it’s cracked up to be. For sure, to own your own time is great. But you can’t actually own your time, when you haven’t saved up enough coins to work your passion. And you can’t actually feel at peace working on your dreams when you can’t see how you’re going to eat, let alone pay a bill. The moral of the story is – it’s not good to start a business when the cash you need to run it, is the cash you need to eat. Better to start the business with personal reserves of at least 5-6 months (if not a year; and not emergency savings). That way, you can focus on enjoying the process of learning and creating your products and services while making money and re-investing the money into your business.

Not doing a business plan.

I don’t actually think anyone needs a lengthy prospectus of what their business is and will be. You literally just need to know exactly what problem you’re solving, who your audience is, and how you’ll market to them. Maybe that’s an oversimplification. But I think not. From my own experience of trying out different business opportunities, I didn’t actually dedicate time to planning out the first year in business, understanding the potential clients, and really think about how much marketing is a huge role in business, point blank. Doing a business plan helps you own this. However, the biggest benefit I’ve seen in proper business planning is just visualizing your first year and factoring in your lag period. As someone with a business development (sales) background, this is standard. When you’re just starting out, 90 days is the conventional timeframe to ramp-up your first round of prospects. I even had one of my bosses tell me one year should be allowed for all salespeople to really get the swing of things. (Wow!) Not to mention, the learning curve is steep and there’s lots of different things you’re getting used to. The moral of the story is: it’s not good to start a venture without substantial planning in the investment it’ll require and how you’ll get your customers. Better to have a plan, course-correct along the way, and have peace about the fact that your lag period is baked in. But while we’re talking about planning…

Spending too much time planning.

There is a such thing as paralysis of analysis. And let me tell you, many procrastinators are paralyzed under the banner of “business planning.” Friends, I’m chief among procrastinators. But seriously, this is like a sin in business. To be planning, more than executing is a main problem in actually getting started with serving people who actually will pay you. Which is the focus: to get paid. Friend, let me tell you from my own failed experience. It’s super tantalizing to come up with different financial models, different marketing strategies, different content ideas, and create to-do lists on to-do lists of what you’re gonna do, but spend 1% on actually doing it. A business mentor of mine said recently, you always want to focus on the “2/3rds” of the business, not the “1/3rd.” The 1/3rd are the things like planning that only affect so much. The 2/3 are the actual meat of the work; it’s how you get paid and keep things moving. The moral of the story: Don’t confuse business planning with business doing. Better to vigorously execute on your goals, knowing that you’re going to have to make changes along the way, than to waste time trying to overanalyze your business.

Overvaluing branding and image.

This one is very hard to admit for me, because I am a believer that branding can do so much. I wish I could tell you from personal experience of how super cool my branding was on a former business venture I pursue, but I just don’t have one. In fact, I never had one. I never actually had a brand that was fierce, perfect, and reflected some kind of attractively sharp image of a business idea I had. What I do know though is how many small business owners and entrepreneurs who make six figures annually without a shiny brand. And that’s where the rubber meets the road. As millennials, it’s attractive to have a personal brand that speaks to how you want to be perceived. I see this and live this. I even allowed my value of branding set me back in launching a blog months ago. But I’m also the product of two hard-working entrepreneurs whose 25-year-old insurance business put food on the table and sent me to college. Their brand wasn’t shiny, but it did the job. And delivered in insurmountable ways. People knew to call them for any type of insurance needs they had in the tri-county area of South Florida. Moral of the story is: Sometimes working on branding is like working on painting a house you haven’t built yet. Better to work on building your house (read: serving the people you need to serve to get paid), than to think that branding is the work and think you’ll get paid more because of imaginary paint job. Think again. The house is worth more than the paint.

Not thinking big enough like an entrepreneur would.

It’s very easy to think small. Said differently, it’s very easy to think in terms of what is “enough.” In my experience of failing at business start-up, I used my personal budget for what I need to live as a ruler for my price points right out the gate. The problem with this is myopic thinking: You’ve decreased costs of living (because that’s what entrepreneurial peeps do) to use your cush money for your business idea; and then refer to your cost of living for how much you charge your clients for your work. So if all you need is $1200 for rent, then you might charge your 3 new clients $400 each for X package. But, in reality, the cost of living as an independent adult in ____ market, might actually be wayyyy more than $1200. In fact, you’re trying to get married, have kids, go on vacation in 2 months, pay for resources to better serve people, pay off your student loan debt, save for a down payment on an investment property….get the picture? You don’t start a business using your personal expenses to connect the dots of how much you should charge. Your fees need to be based on market rate for your services AND for how *you* want to live. This takes into account a little metric I made up from my latest business endeavor called Return on Effort. (It’s a play off of Return on Investment which is normal language for any real estate developer/investor). If the return on effort from serving 3-5 clients can’t cover you for at least 3 months, then maybe you’re under-charging and over-working. Or maybe you need to rethink your audience. Or think about other avenues for income that are less labor-intensive. One of the biggest mindset shifts I had to make is that I want to build a business where the amount of effort I put into the average client/service would profit me for at least 6-months or more. To do this, you’ve got to think bigger than your needs. Moral of the story: Don’t think small with your price points for your business’ products or service. Think about the vision for your business + lifestyle desires and create a price point based around that.

in Singleness

A Letter to Singles – from the blog fka artofsingleness.com

March 8, 2017

Dear Singles,

I wrote a handful of content specifically catered to you about a year ago. I started writing on the topic of singleness because I am single and it can be rough in these “streets” friend. 🙂 And, of course, there’s lots of women like me, like us, who are young professionals desiring to live life well and full of faith for marriage (for kids, for that picture in our minds of family….) But that’s the thing, even knowing there’s other women like us, it appears to me there’s not always healthy conversations, wholesome conversation about singleness. Our singleness.

And so, when age 23 turnt to 25, and 25 turnt to 27, and then 30 comes around, the question that becomes embolden in our minds is “Now that I’m still not married, how should I think?” I’ve wrestled with the many ideas, influences, and thoughts singles have been taught, be it intentionally or non. What I decided to do, in the midst of working on myself, is create a space for honest, wholesome, and laughable discussion on “what the heck does singleness mean?” and processing questions like “how do I enjoy this time?”

To that end, I wrote a piece on some things I noticed about singleness and the cultural influences on how we think and behave. Below is what may rip and rhyme as a manifesto that undergirds this online property. It sounds real authoritative at first and even waxes poetic when I read it myself…. but at the end of the day, all I want to do is encourage us to shift the negative narrative we’ve adopted about singleness. For some reason, we as singles know we shouldn’t be sad all the time about not being married, yet so many of us are. I’m not going to pretend to have a grandiose answer, but I have a hunch there’s a lot influencing our view of singleness than just love songs.

Update as of 8/28/17

I’m on a journey with you and along the way I’ve chosen to revamp my original site (artofsingleness.com) to sheventuresnow.com simply to broaden the scope of the conversation. Though we’re single, we can in fact make quantum leaps towards our dreams. And though there are some hard days, lonely nights, and hella insecure moments (all puns intended), we can venture forward….resolute about our deepest longings in this one life we have.

Truthfully, I have come to realize there’s a tension I have to constantly navigate as a young woman:

I want to be married + I don’t want to devalue my singleness right now.

In some ways, saying I want to be married sounds like an acknowledgement of discontentment and unhappiness. But I tend to see things wayyy differently. I’m realizing life just isn’t an either-or world. I can be both content and discontent. I can love and hate singleness. What I’ve had to learn along the way is that there’s a lot of things I missed or de-prioritized by overvaluing my singleness over the years. And I think my letter from a year ago is somewhat indicative of really valuing singleness, but perhaps overshadowing the desire to want to be married and nurture a loving relationship in my life one day.

…which is the reason for my update and brand relaunch. I think women who are single can, in fact, prepare their hearts/minds for the loving relationship they want in their life. Just like wives prepare for motherhood. Just like a husband does the mental prep (if he does) in becoming a father. The point I’m making is — yes, value your singleness, but whatever you deeply desire in your life (in this case, marriage), it’s worth preparing for. And so, a lot of new content I will be offering and have prepared this summer is around becoming an emotionally healthy single woman, learning how to attract love into your life, and realizing how to level up your dating and love life.

…

ORIGINAL LETTER – 8/1/2016

Singles,

Media streams are flooded with scores of movies, sitcoms, music and magazines defining what love is, what marriage looks like and what the runway to matrimony entails. Before boarding a flight to the land of wedding showers, anniversary celebrations, and romance, our pop culture depicts singleness as an annoying, airport lay-over – marked by loneliness, frustration, halted hopes, and unrequited dreams.

We’ve accepted the idea that singleness prolonged is a miserable existence; that marriage is the promise-land marked with banners of “Happily Ever After” while singleness is a second-class status for unmarried citizens branded “Unhappily Ever After”, commanding less respect on the social-growth chart of adulthood, wisdom and fruitful living.

But, is marriage really the promiseland?

Is it the apex of success, the pinnacle of love, and the rite of passage to adulthood and the universal badge of responsibility?

Our culture’s script has written romance and marriage as the summit of life, the gold-medal crown of adulthood, and the crescendo of love experienced. Yet, singleness gets shafted as a means to an end – a time dedicated to continual preparation to be married, scrutinizing over details that wreck attraction and committed relationship. Without the symbols of marriage on the horizon (dating, change of relationship status, engagement ring, etc.), the song of singleness can seem like a ballad of despair and hopelessness (insert: Adele’s “Hello”). The promiseland of marriage can become a weighty feeling of unfulfillment.

And if unfulfilled…

does every single need to default to foolish living?

Culturally, we have connected the idea of living wisely to those who have the responsibility of caring for a spouse, a family, and a stable career. We see this when any hint of infidelity in a spouse gets brow-beaten with judgment from hearers. Or the raised eyebrows when someone makes a career move without consideration of spouse and kids. Unequivocally, the idea to live purely and wisely conjugates well to those who have made vows of marriage. Absent of vows, many singles can sometimes, often times, easily overlook purity and wisdom as a non-issue, a value not to uphold. And yet, does that need to be the case?

Is marriage the only tried-and-true way of conferring responsible living?
Is the search for happiness found only in folly, if not in marriage?

Is it impossible to be single and happy?
Single and yet focused?
Single and overwhelmed with love?

Unmarried and with no prospects can often make singles feel like they’re off-track and without direction as to how to live. Not to mention, because one of our main culture scripts is the overemphasis of love in relationships, specifically between husband and wife and parent to child, it can seem like love is gray-scaled for singles compared to HD-color of love for those married with children. Unfortunately, many singles can feel their life lacks the vigor of purpose, priceless texture of love, and the air of happiness of being someone’s spouse and parent. But is this the way it’s supposed to be as a single?

The simple answer to the previous questions: No.

No, marriage is not the promiseland.
No, every single person does not have to default to being unwise.
And no, it is not impossible to be single and happy — living with purpose and fueled with love.

That’s where this blog comes in.

Singleness is good.

Just in case you missed it: Singleness is good. All by itself. It is a gift from God. It is not the silver-medal of adulthood to marriage’s gold crown. It is not just a continual, formulaic preparation to being Mr./Mrs. Right, as if single + cooking = marriage; or single + great job = marriage. Nor is the song of singleness one of dejection, loneliness, and a constant loop of feeling you missed out. Much like marriage, it is a season to be celebrated. And it tells a story of true love (God’s love) distinct from what marriage does. Because of this, it is to be cherished and enjoyed. Too often we have treated singleness like an unwanted Christmas present that no one wanted, and have overlooked what God’s intention was for this beautiful time.

Singleness is a season to live honorably and wisely before God.

In God’s eyes, singleness is not a time to play around and practice a confused life of mixed morals, hypocrisy, and casting aside wise teaching. A season of singleness is not just a scrimmage (or a practice ground) for purity and wisdom: it is the real game. The live, on-air show to reflect what pure and wise living is. And more, it is a beautiful occasion to honor God (live honorably) with your habits, decision-making, and relationships.

Singleness is a time for purposeful, love-enriched, and joy-filled moments.

Singleness is not a time for constant questioning to no end. It is a time rife for vigorously pursuing your purpose, learning about yourself, your family, and your community so you can enjoy and contribute to them. It is not a time for self-pity, thinking you’re not deserving of love; but a time to harness your passions or dreams and dedicate yourself to things and people you love. And it is not a time for a boring survival of life, but a time to maximize your years and celebrate the many milestones you’ll cross with those you love.

It’s time to change the song of singleness. And frankly (read: fortunately), you are not alone
and never were.

SheVenturesNow.com exists to provide an online hub of resources for single young professional women to make quantum leaps in personal change, whether that’s making a major shift in your career, leveling up your love life, or starting a business of your own.

in Lifestyle Redesign

Top 10 Uber-simple Ways to Re-invest in your Relationships

March 8, 2017

Listen, listen, listen. As we get older, we realize the importance of relationships. Yet, sometimes certain ones get neglected or taken for granted. And so, here we have it: A little encouraging push to recalibrate with those you consider your inner-circle, your peeps, your posse, those who know you for real for real.

Make no mistake, shtuff happens. Season change. Life can drastically slow down. Or drastically speed up. As well, your idea of what it takes for you to focus in getting something (a project, a degree, a personal goal) done can perhaps change the way you socialize. And in those changes, your bandwidth of time to be with people you love can be affected.

To those of you who know what I’m talking about, I’m with you. For those that don’t, let me drill down on this a bit more. As a single woman, for varying reasons, we can pull away from friends and family – be it for good reasons or arbitrary ones.

Whatever the reason is, it’s still not good to live in isolation.

And of course, I’m not talking about a complete siphoning off yourself from people, in general. No. I’m talking about the small drift from having quality time with the people that matter to you, at heart. If we’re honest, sometimes it can be tempting to not be around friends not because you don’t have time, but because we’re still dealing with the sadness of our loneliness, the unresolved envy or disappointment and the mystery of our singleness. Unfortunately, we get our mental wires crossed and mistakenly make ourselves think that if we have less time with our married friends or our family (who can sometimes remind us of our singleness), that it’ll be ok. We’ll be fine. Better. Happier.

But

Truth is – even though we’re single, we don’t need to live singular.

We need good ol’ community.

You know – the kind where you laugh at life while you eat a meal together. Or the kind where you create space to have the conversations where sentences start with “Y’know what I’ve been realizing lately….” Or “I’ve kind of been having to deal with…..”

And the perfume of life gets sprayed and the smelling salts of authentic vulnerability wakes your soul up.

Relationships matter. And they matter way before someone puts a ring on your finger.

It’s a beautiful thing to learn and practice loving people — individual human beings who uniquely carry meaning in your life. Certainly, as a single, I have felt that real love gets practiced when I’m married and learn to love my husband and then my kids.
But the journey doesn’t start then. And it won’t end there either.

So here’s some non-novel, super-duper simple ways of re-investing in your relationships:

Ask your friends or family about something that they are passionate about.

ASAP. Especially if their passion has no connection to you or your passions aren’t complementary. Doing this will not only be like playing their favorite song, it’ll be like you giving them space to have your attention squarely on them about their desires.

Buy a gift specifically just because.

Of course, people want you to remember their birthdays. Of course, get them a Christmas card (if your relationship swings that way). But spending money on a gift for no specific reason is a colossal compliment to the inner-child of everyone. You might say “But gifts aren’t their love language” or “They have all they need or want.” Patooey! It doesn’t matter! Gifts – big or small – have the wonderful ability of letting your friend know that hey you’re awesome – I thought about you, exerted my locomotive energy into getting you something, and then ensured that you got it. That’s thoughts x3. That matters.

Have a regular sit-down dinner with your family.

Life gets rushy. And you sure don’t need to eat with your folks, grand-folks or siblings, ‘cuz y’know, you grown now. But, as it stands – these people are family. *Your* family. They want to be loved, known, appreciated, and valued just like you. As time passes, they’re the ones you can easily take for granted. Choose to make a space to not let that happen. Choose to laugh with them and enjoy the simple pleasure of eating with them.

Send your friend a resource or an article specific to their professional goals.

I’m talking simply sharing something on facebook, linkedin, in an email or via text. It doesn’t matter what it is. The point here is that you are listening. You hear them. You were attentive to the goals they’re tackling probably on a daily basis or something they’re trying to accomplish this year. People’s professional life can take a gray, non-existent stage sometimes. But it is refreshing when you take the time to encourage your friend by strengthening them with a resource – a reminder that you care about their work.

Buy your friend his or her favorite food.

Yo, why do we forget that people have tastebuds….and that they get hungry? This kind of mini-investment is special, because it shows you know their tastebuds. J It’s a ridiculously beautiful thing when you not only know something about your friend – big or small – but actually show evidence that you know them. Buying their favorite meal or making it for them is one way. You are showing love — with your time, your care, your preparation, and the quality time you may spend with them eating it. Just do it. It’s so easy. You’re gonna eat anyway. J

Send them a hand-written card or note.

Listen, I’m all for emails, texts, and phone calls. But there’s a premium on hand-written anything! (It’s probably the reason why certain fonts being sold now are trending). There’s a visceral appreciation in anything that’s handwritten. Maybe it’s the fact that it takes more time to write something down. Maybe it’s the unique lettering of the person writing it. Maybe it’s both. Something is lost in all the virtual. Handwritten notes make things feel real. Makes it feel vintagely authentic. (Not saying emails and texts aren’t valuable – c’mon now). All I’m saying is, switch it up sometimes and write meaningful words appreciating that friend or family member. They’ll love it.

Pray for your family and friends.

Notice this isn’t the first thing. I’m all for prayer, but forgetting to love people in real time is serious business. Yet again, don’t forget to pray for your family and friends. If they’re special to you, why not? If you value them, how much more does God? If you feel they’re going through a rough time, why not ask for God’s help in their situation? Dedicate some space in your day — perhaps your own prayer time for yourself, to bless and pray for the relationships you’re wanting to reinvest in. Hear from God about how he feels for them. Be open to whatever song, scripture, or prayer comes on your heart that may encourage them in the future, if you want to disclose it to them.

Ask for prayer from your friends.

Sometimes in all of our life’s busyness our connection to friends can feel cold. We can almost give off the feeling of not needing those we love. Asking for prayer is a reminder to yourself and to your friends that you value them – their prayers, their help, their thoughts. The after-effect as a by-product is your friends realize that you care about their role in your life.

Send your friends “thinking of you” texts.

No need for super-long essays, declarations of appreciation, or lavish words about how much you value your friend or family. C’mon now – they know. You know. But those little bitty reminders on any random day? #Priceless. You know what I’m talking about. It can be as simple and basic as “Thinking of you girlie” or it can even be a screenshot of a pic and you sending it to your friend saying “Love you.” Listen, it doesn’t matter how simple it is. The point is – send your love. Don’t just think of them and not do anything. Send your thought to them not matter how basic it is. You don’t reinvest in a relationship just by thinking of the relationship, you actually take steps to show you enjoy and are present in this relationship.

All in all, the whole intent here is for you to boost your relational intelligence by taking action. Stop waiting for someone to catch your eye or a spouse to then get serious about how to love and when to. Love isn’t dependent on your relationship status. You can choose to value the people in your life with more than words (and dare I say it — with more than the things listed above). Take people in your life seriously. They are special.

Choose to re-invest in them.

in Singleness

Why Divorce Stats Should Matter to Singles

March 8, 2017

Some time ago, I decided that though I wasn’t married I would care (and even honor and celebrate marriage) by thinking of ways I can implement the very things marrieds are taught do and think to better their relationship and keep their marriage healthy.

The focus, though, wasn’t so much “Let me learn about what married people do so I can become married” but more about if the behaviors within marriage cause spouses to be their best selves then I probably should take notice and begin the hard work now.

In the midst of thinking this, I observed two obstacles:

As singles, we can often times be completely near-sighted and “lite” in our thinking about the commitment of marriage.
As a culture, marriage is throwaway concept in the face serial dating, serial marriage, and the normalcy of divorce or unhappily-married-yet-married setups.

So, here’s my heart, I think with all the information and research that has been done about the reasons for divorce, there’s such a ripe opportunity to learn from others.
More importantly, I think the data on divorce statistics can help us think critically, soberly, and emotionally attentive to what causes good relationships to break down. And in turn, help us cultivate richer, healthier, and love-filled relationships NOW…not just with our future spouses. But now – with the amazing friendships and family members who are just as deserving of your best self (the mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy version of you).

I have found that in reading the research that some of my own lifestyle choices, behaviors or attitudes can and will be problematic in marriage.
At the same time, if I can see ways in which to practice changing my mind and my behavior now, I think I can reap the benefits of healthier relationships before marriage is on the table.

Below are the reasons for divorce from several sources I found online.
(The data sources are a few years out. Yet, the results are still noteworthy.)

Communication problems.
Different values on money, children, and sex.
Basic incompatibility
Different priorities and interests

From Huffington post….

They never fight.
They allow their in-laws a say in their marriage.
They hold onto resentment
There’s a lack of presence when they’re with each other.
They’re two very different people.
They don’t know how to negotiate time apart.
Getting in for the wrong reasons
Lack of individual identity
Becoming lost in the roles
Not having a shared vision of success
The intimacy disappears
Unmet expectations
Finances
Being out of touch…. Literally
Different priorities and interests
Inability to resolve conflicts

From Barna Group ….

Cohabitation before marriage
Preparing for marriage

From Utah State University Studies on Divorce….

Lack of commitment
Too much arguing
Infidelity
Marrying too young
Unrealistic expectations
Lack of equality in the relationship
Lack of preparation for marriage
Abuse

From Institute of Divorce Financial Analysts

Basic incompatibility
Infidelity
Money issues

From Fox News Magazine

Communication problems
Sexual infidelity
Not spending enough time together
Previous divorce
Cold feet before the wedding
Different values about money, sex, children
Not doing pre-marital education/counseling

Of the reasons for divorce listed above, which one stood out to you the most? Leave a comment below.

in Singleness

On Dating (Part 2): My Personal Review of ODS’

March 7, 2017

Hey girl hey!
This is a story about a lady who was wanting to dip her toe into the online dating pool….and over the years, jumped right in. That lady is me. Over the years, I’ve tried some of the major online dating service providers at least once. For those who are like me – curious about the service and what the experience was like – I created a little chart below with my honest thoughts on each. For quick reference, I tried to liken each site to a local restaurant.

All of this is just one person’s opinion. With that in mind, keep or trash.

Site	Comments
eHarmony	I enjoy eHarmony bc of its filter system and the quality of the site. I really appreciate the work the programmers and UX designers have put in to making it robust – from the questionnaire, to the personality questions, to the way they try to hold your hand throughout the dating experience. Which is funny and kinda annoying at the same time. Honestly, think they’re a premier provider of online dating service. Knowing that it was founded by a Xian person does pique my interest in it and I can see how much they prioritize similar faith backgrounds and denominations. They also are conservative and make an effort to serve you with their suggestions of how you can advance a new friend or match to the next stage of communication; but in general, they did a thorough job of helping you find people that align with what you want and who you are. With that said, I’ve met a few cool guys, Con – it seems hard to cross the fence and just start a conversation; it’s the middle man syndrome that’s crippling. Restaurant equivalent – Capital Grille Restaurant
Match	Pretty great appeal. What I like is, Match gives you the feeling that you’re a part of cool social club of singles who are just like you. The way they do this, I think, is in the appearance of their site, the addition of mixer events, recreation events (wine tasting, cooking) and then actual vacation events. To me, they stand out in catering to the traditional online dating desire, but also the need to just get out and socialize in real time which is beautiful. Their personality assessment is not as extensive as eHarmony, but their profile requirements and their filter system make it easier to see matches closer to what you want. Much easier to communicate once you pay than eharmony because they’re not trying to hold your hand. If someone is interested, they’ll email you etc etc. Restaurant: Local Steakhouse or Chillis
Christian Mingle	Lacking in appearance but they have redesigned. Great profile guidance. their algorithm and matches were off lots of times. [will have to try again to test out] I do recall going on a really good date with a guy from there. The fish bite on here. Restaurant: Chick Fil-A or some Xian inspirational event
Christian Café	Lacking in appearance but they have redesigned. Great profile guidance especially if you’re serious about your faith. After paying, very easy to communicate. No app though. Quality guys on here. Just not in my area. Restaurant: That Megachurches Restaurant or Coffee shop that no one knows about
Ok Cupid	Good appearance. Great profile guidance and filter system. Funny thought – I’ve thought several times some of their questions are just too much, too revealing. And of course, you don’t have to answer the guided questions nor see others’ answers. But nonetheless, I appreciate their matching algorithm — particularly that there’s a %age that lets you know how closely you match as a quick reference. You of course determine how high or low you’re willing to entertain. Also, the fish are biting in these waters. Restaurant: Restaurant w Lounge, Live Music and Themed events
Zoosk	OK appearance. I don’t recall their profile guidance being great or filter system. They have a sort of gamified system for their site where the more you like the more “coins” you accrue and then you use those coins to allow you to talk to your matches. In general, I didn’t enjoy their app. Restaurant: Local sportsbar
Shalle we	Nifty appeal. Never really engaged. (I think the free version was super restrictive and didn’t incentivize becoming a member enough for me.)
Tinder	Basic appearance. Don’t need any profile words, I believe. Just a pic, location, and I think your age, which it’s all importing from your Facebook account. With that said, it’s swipe right or left. No algorithm. Just – you interested or not. And then they’ll match you if the other person “liked” your profile. Pretty easy to chat it up, which actually makes it somewhat refreshing, bc Tinder fades in the background once you reach a connection. The forewarning though is Tinder is known to be a hook up app. That wasn’t the case for me but that’s the word on the street. Restaurant: Lounge
Bumble	Nifty appearance. Much like Tinder – swiping right or left – but the twist is the app places all the burden of expressed interest on the females. So, background story, bc many women have complained about overkill from guys, the app requires ladies who match with a guy (mutual likes of each others profiles) to have to contact him within 24 hours and if not, you lose the match. Super easy to use, not much setup time. Restaurant: Grille 401 or YOLO’s
CMB	Nifty appearance. Has profile requirements. Contrasting Tinder and BB, every day you get recommended a guy (or a match) and you have 24 hours to decide if you like him or not. If he likes you, you’ll hear back. Once connected, then you’re encouraged to connect etc. Pretty cool app. Restaurant: Starbucks
Hinge	Swipe right and left. Matches are completely based on your Facebook profile information. What’s cool about this app is the idea is you’re probably compatible with someone in your circle or networks but just don’t know it. Hinge serves up potential matches and lets you know the degrees of separation i.e. the mutual friends etc. BTW Tinder identifies mutual friends as well.

At this point, there’s a large selection of online dating sites or apps for anyone to try out. Badoo. Bae. Black People Meet. Crosspaths. Elite Singles. Just google top online dating sites or apps and see what’s been released lately,
Part of the reality is you gotta remember that dating effectively requires mental, emotional, and physical energy. If you approach online dating like a video game or some kind of pie-in-the-sky wishful venture, you’ll probably dislike the fact that you have to put yourself out there to meet people. Take luck and good care.

What has your online dating experience been like? Comment below and let us in on what sites or apps you enjoyed or prefer. 🙂

in Singleness

On Dating (Part 1): Thoughts on this Dance We Do

March 7, 2017

I’ve observed there’s two forms of dating.
There’s dating and you’re in a clear relationship. Clear status of bf or gf, significant other, boo, whatever term you use, and this is known by others in your circle. And then there’s dating as in getting to know someone to see the level of compatibility.

Some people don’t like the whole dating word. To some it can connote promiscuity, emotional entanglement, friend with benefits scenarios, etc. And so, what’s happened in a lot of faith communities is they’ve replaced the word with “courting” which is something like intentional steps to exploring compatibility towards marriage.

My opinion is there’s room for judgment on what word to be used. Maybe for you, it’s a non-issue. And maybe for you, it matters. In my teenage years and early 20s, I remember really appreciating the whole courting idea. It was clear, it was safe, and it was intentional. At the time, I lived in a strong faith community where courting was the word of choice and everyone knew what that meant. Now in my early 30s, I live in a bigger city and a smaller faith community, dating seems like a more appropriate term.

And to be honest and simply, courting can be a very strong and presumptuous expectation. It’s like showing up, being attracted to someone and then thinking you have the right to court them. And maybe that’s not the way it works…Or maybe I’m over-simplifying it. On the other hand, dating can seem too casual, but at least it takes the edge off and allow you to not pre-commit emotionally to someone you don’t know or hardly know.

The best definition I’ve heard is – you date to gather information. And the more information you learn about someone, the better you can choose how you’d like to proceed.

And for me, it’s all been a slow process and journey. Mostly because, I take matters of the heart + the concept of marriage so seriously. In my early 20s, I didn’t make time for dating. I was super guarded and kept myself preoccupied – work, family, church. And what’s more, I generally thought life would just flow into a relationship. Boom: engaged + then married. In retrospect, I realized for some people dating happens naturally and for others not so much. Throughout the years, I’ve noticed the internal work that I had to do get ready to date.

I had to realize there are invisible qualities that I might possess that detract men from me.

For example, all my life I have heard that I intimidate men. And so, one of the things I had wanted to do mentally was brainstorm (whether I believed it or not) what have I been doing or saying (especially non-verbally) that may come off intimidating. And one of the things I saw in myself is that I can get so driven and so passionate about my goals, my agenda, my focus that I can forget to just chill. Just be.

I realized there’s a place for flirting.

Several years ago, I was serving at a retreat and one of my pastors randomly (as he so often does) asked me “Hey, do you flirt?” … and at the time, I had no clue what made him ask this question and was taken aback at how left-field that was. (He didn’t ask me “Hey how’s life? How’s your relationship with God? Prayer life?” … he simply asked, do you flirt? What???)…. In retrospect, as I began to open myself to dating, I realized I was naturally averse to it – averse to even flirting – because of fear, pride, and sheer unfamiliarity with getting to know someone romantically. Something as simple as flirting seemed awkward and lame. But I learned to get over this. Flirting has it’s place. And its as simple as recognizing when to be extra-friendly as opposed to just courteous. It can serve as an icebreaker to a conversation.

I had to get over my pride in talking about my struggle with dating.

Just talking about it was a threshold I had to cross. Bringing it up to my folks, my friends, and even mentors were all roads I had to cross. But honestly, this was truly helpful for me to see that every arena of life doesn’t have a playbook…. You might learn principles, best practices, hear stories from others. But knowing the exact step to take is just not the way life works.

I had to open up my schedule, make space to relax, and meet people.

Sometimes as a young professional or anyone working on personal projects, you can get so focused on your goals – you get tunnel vision – and totally forget about time with friends and making time to meet new people. As I got older, I noticed a slow drift towards home swag. Thursday night. Home. Friday night. Home. Saturday night home. #Winning. (#Nahhh). I just had to re-learn in my mental preparation for dating to mark some nights as “dating nights” to just make it easier for me to say yes to coffee or dinner with someone who might be interested.

I had to overcome the stigma of online dating.

For some reason, I had this idea that online dating was taboo. Not sure why. But I just thought it wasn’t needed; that it was either a sign of desperation or that you were the left-overs. And so, I had to reframe in several ways a). I had to become super aware of my life routines and culture. In the past, I noticed my life the itinerary of my day-to-day included 4 places for the most part – work, home, gym, church. (This is an observation several years ago, and was my routine at that time). I wasn’t getting much of a chance to be with girlfriends or with eligible single men. And so, I realized my own personal need for me to meet people conveniently. B) Lounges, night clubs, and sports bars weren’t my cup of tea. So I didn’t go to these places. It’s not in my spectrum of tastes. C) As I became very aware of my habits, I realized that online dating was just another venue to meet people. That’s it. Yes, you can be deceived, catfished, disappointed, and it may just not work. But, I didn’t find the risks any higher than meeting someone in regular life (except for the catfish part). Hearing how other people met online and got married was helpful for me to see that it’s just another tool to approaching a pre-dating relationship. I had to get over the fact no one cares how you met your significant other. When you’re 5, 10,15 years into a marriage, no one is playing critical importance on where/how you met. So that helped me as well.

There’s plenty more things I’ve had to explore to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to date, all of which may not make it to a blog post. Each step of the way, I’ve enjoyed the personal growth, self-awareness, and confidence that learning to date has brought to me. Maybe that’s cheesy to some. In my book, it’s hella worth having.

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Run ahead of yourself and literally start the business to meet your actual needs for today.

Not doing a business plan.

Spending too much time planning.

Overvaluing branding and image.

Not thinking big enough like an entrepreneur would.

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Ask your friends or family about something that they are passionate about.

Buy a gift specifically just because.

Have a regular sit-down dinner with your family.

Send your friend a resource or an article specific to their professional goals.

Buy your friend his or her favorite food.

Send them a hand-written card or note.

Pray for your family and friends.

Ask for prayer from your friends.

Send your friends “thinking of you” texts.

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