Dear Singles,
I wrote a handful of content specifically catered to you about a year ago. I started writing on the topic of singleness because I am single and it can be rough in these “streets” friend. 🙂 And, of course, there’s lots of women like me, like us, who are young professionals desiring to live life well and full of faith for marriage (for kids, for that picture in our minds of family….) But that’s the thing, even knowing there’s other women like us, it appears to me there’s not always healthy conversations, wholesome conversation about singleness. Our singleness.
And so, when age 23 turnt to 25, and 25 turnt to 27, and then 30 comes around, the question that becomes embolden in our minds is “Now that I’m still not married, how should I think?” I’ve wrestled with the many ideas, influences, and thoughts singles have been taught, be it intentionally or non. What I decided to do, in the midst of working on myself, is create a space for honest, wholesome, and laughable discussion on “what the heck does singleness mean?” and processing questions like “how do I enjoy this time?”
To that end, I wrote a piece on some things I noticed about singleness and the cultural influences on how we think and behave. Below is what may rip and rhyme as a manifesto that undergirds this online property. It sounds real authoritative at first and even waxes poetic when I read it myself…. but at the end of the day, all I want to do is encourage us to shift the negative narrative we’ve adopted about singleness. For some reason, we as singles know we shouldn’t be sad all the time about not being married, yet so many of us are. I’m not going to pretend to have a grandiose answer, but I have a hunch there’s a lot influencing our view of singleness than just love songs.
Update as of 8/28/17
I’m on a journey with you and along the way I’ve chosen to revamp my original site (artofsingleness.com) to sheventuresnow.com simply to broaden the scope of the conversation. Though we’re single, we can in fact make quantum leaps towards our dreams. And though there are some hard days, lonely nights, and hella insecure moments (all puns intended), we can venture forward….resolute about our deepest longings in this one life we have.
Truthfully, I have come to realize there’s a tension I have to constantly navigate as a young woman:
I want to be married + I don’t want to devalue my singleness right now.
In some ways, saying I want to be married sounds like an acknowledgement of discontentment and unhappiness. But I tend to see things wayyy differently. I’m realizing life just isn’t an either-or world. I can be both content and discontent. I can love and hate singleness. What I’ve had to learn along the way is that there’s a lot of things I missed or de-prioritized by overvaluing my singleness over the years. And I think my letter from a year ago is somewhat indicative of really valuing singleness, but perhaps overshadowing the desire to want to be married and nurture a loving relationship in my life one day.
…which is the reason for my update and brand relaunch. I think women who are single can, in fact, prepare their hearts/minds for the loving relationship they want in their life. Just like wives prepare for motherhood. Just like a husband does the mental prep (if he does) in becoming a father. The point I’m making is — yes, value your singleness, but whatever you deeply desire in your life (in this case, marriage), it’s worth preparing for. And so, a lot of new content I will be offering and have prepared this summer is around becoming an emotionally healthy single woman, learning how to attract love into your life, and realizing how to level up your dating and love life.
…
ORIGINAL LETTER – 8/1/2016
Singles,
Media streams are flooded with scores of movies, sitcoms, music and magazines defining what love is, what marriage looks like and what the runway to matrimony entails. Before boarding a flight to the land of wedding showers, anniversary celebrations, and romance, our pop culture depicts singleness as an annoying, airport lay-over – marked by loneliness, frustration, halted hopes, and unrequited dreams.
We’ve accepted the idea that singleness prolonged is a miserable existence; that marriage is the promise-land marked with banners of “Happily Ever After” while singleness is a second-class status for unmarried citizens branded “Unhappily Ever After”, commanding less respect on the social-growth chart of adulthood, wisdom and fruitful living.
But, is marriage really the promiseland?
Is it the apex of success, the pinnacle of love, and the rite of passage to adulthood and the universal badge of responsibility?
Our culture’s script has written romance and marriage as the summit of life, the gold-medal crown of adulthood, and the crescendo of love experienced. Yet, singleness gets shafted as a means to an end – a time dedicated to continual preparation to be married, scrutinizing over details that wreck attraction and committed relationship. Without the symbols of marriage on the horizon (dating, change of relationship status, engagement ring, etc.), the song of singleness can seem like a ballad of despair and hopelessness (insert: Adele’s “Hello”). The promiseland of marriage can become a weighty feeling of unfulfillment.
And if unfulfilled…
does every single need to default to foolish living?
Culturally, we have connected the idea of living wisely to those who have the responsibility of caring for a spouse, a family, and a stable career. We see this when any hint of infidelity in a spouse gets brow-beaten with judgment from hearers. Or the raised eyebrows when someone makes a career move without consideration of spouse and kids. Unequivocally, the idea to live purely and wisely conjugates well to those who have made vows of marriage. Absent of vows, many singles can sometimes, often times, easily overlook purity and wisdom as a non-issue, a value not to uphold. And yet, does that need to be the case?
Is marriage the only tried-and-true way of conferring responsible living?
Is the search for happiness found only in folly, if not in marriage?
Is it impossible to be single and happy?
Single and yet focused?
Single and overwhelmed with love?
Unmarried and with no prospects can often make singles feel like they’re off-track and without direction as to how to live. Not to mention, because one of our main culture scripts is the overemphasis of love in relationships, specifically between husband and wife and parent to child, it can seem like love is gray-scaled for singles compared to HD-color of love for those married with children. Unfortunately, many singles can feel their life lacks the vigor of purpose, priceless texture of love, and the air of happiness of being someone’s spouse and parent. But is this the way it’s supposed to be as a single?
The simple answer to the previous questions: No.
No, marriage is not the promiseland.
No, every single person does not have to default to being unwise.
And no, it is not impossible to be single and happy — living with purpose and fueled with love.
That’s where this blog comes in.
Singleness is good.
Just in case you missed it: Singleness is good. All by itself. It is a gift from God. It is not the silver-medal of adulthood to marriage’s gold crown. It is not just a continual, formulaic preparation to being Mr./Mrs. Right, as if single + cooking = marriage; or single + great job = marriage. Nor is the song of singleness one of dejection, loneliness, and a constant loop of feeling you missed out. Much like marriage, it is a season to be celebrated. And it tells a story of true love (God’s love) distinct from what marriage does. Because of this, it is to be cherished and enjoyed. Too often we have treated singleness like an unwanted Christmas present that no one wanted, and have overlooked what God’s intention was for this beautiful time.
Singleness is a season to live honorably and wisely before God.
In God’s eyes, singleness is not a time to play around and practice a confused life of mixed morals, hypocrisy, and casting aside wise teaching. A season of singleness is not just a scrimmage (or a practice ground) for purity and wisdom: it is the real game. The live, on-air show to reflect what pure and wise living is. And more, it is a beautiful occasion to honor God (live honorably) with your habits, decision-making, and relationships.
Singleness is a time for purposeful, love-enriched, and joy-filled moments.
Singleness is not a time for constant questioning to no end. It is a time rife for vigorously pursuing your purpose, learning about yourself, your family, and your community so you can enjoy and contribute to them. It is not a time for self-pity, thinking you’re not deserving of love; but a time to harness your passions or dreams and dedicate yourself to things and people you love. And it is not a time for a boring survival of life, but a time to maximize your years and celebrate the many milestones you’ll cross with those you love.
It’s time to change the song of singleness. And frankly (read: fortunately), you are not alone
and never were.
SheVenturesNow.com exists to provide an online hub of resources for single young professional women to make quantum leaps in personal change, whether that’s making a major shift in your career, leveling up your love life, or starting a business of your own.