Some time ago, I decided that though I wasn’t married I would care (and even honor and celebrate marriage) by thinking of ways I can implement the very things marrieds are taught do and think to better their relationship and keep their marriage healthy.
The focus, though, wasn’t so much “Let me learn about what married people do so I can become married” but more about if the behaviors within marriage cause spouses to be their best selves then I probably should take notice and begin the hard work now.
In the midst of thinking this, I observed two obstacles:
- As singles, we can often times be completely near-sighted and “lite” in our thinking about the commitment of marriage.
- As a culture, marriage is throwaway concept in the face serial dating, serial marriage, and the normalcy of divorce or unhappily-married-yet-married setups.
So, here’s my heart, I think with all the information and research that has been done about the reasons for divorce, there’s such a ripe opportunity to learn from others.
More importantly, I think the data on divorce statistics can help us think critically, soberly, and emotionally attentive to what causes good relationships to break down. And in turn, help us cultivate richer, healthier, and love-filled relationships NOW…not just with our future spouses. But now – with the amazing friendships and family members who are just as deserving of your best self (the mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy version of you).
I have found that in reading the research that some of my own lifestyle choices, behaviors or attitudes can and will be problematic in marriage.
At the same time, if I can see ways in which to practice changing my mind and my behavior now, I think I can reap the benefits of healthier relationships before marriage is on the table.
Below are the reasons for divorce from several sources I found online.
(The data sources are a few years out. Yet, the results are still noteworthy.)
- Communication problems.
- Different values on money, children, and sex.
- Basic incompatibility
- Different priorities and interests
From Huffington post….
- They never fight.
- They allow their in-laws a say in their marriage.
- They hold onto resentment
- There’s a lack of presence when they’re with each other.
- They’re two very different people.
- They don’t know how to negotiate time apart.
- Getting in for the wrong reasons
- Lack of individual identity
- Becoming lost in the roles
- Not having a shared vision of success
- The intimacy disappears
- Unmet expectations
- Finances
- Being out of touch…. Literally
- Different priorities and interests
- Inability to resolve conflicts
From Barna Group ….
- Cohabitation before marriage
- Preparing for marriage
From Utah State University Studies on Divorce….
- Lack of commitment
- Too much arguing
- Infidelity
- Marrying too young
- Unrealistic expectations
- Lack of equality in the relationship
- Lack of preparation for marriage
- Abuse
From Institute of Divorce Financial Analysts
- Basic incompatibility
- Infidelity
- Money issues
From Fox News Magazine
- Communication problems
- Sexual infidelity
- Not spending enough time together
- Previous divorce
- Cold feet before the wedding
- Different values about money, sex, children
- Not doing pre-marital education/counseling
Of the reasons for divorce listed above, which one stood out to you the most? Leave a comment below.