Y’all. Seriously. It’s so important that we as singles do a reality check regularly about our general thoughts on singleness.
As you know, it can be way tooooo easy to think that singleness is all negative, boring, sad, and absent of any fun or celebration. Because this kind of thinking is a thing, I’d like to call it something for quick reference: Single-itis. Often times, it can be the subtle trick of our minds in succumbing to negativity or it’s the mental diet we keep.
But my opinion is the symptoms can be triggered from a few common things we all see:
You know…
Facebook posts from friends about their fourth child’s third birthday’s second opportunity at blowing out the candles for the first time (because they couldn’t do it the first birthday, so the 2nd birthday was really the first chance. You feel me?) Or it’s the Instagram photos of your friends’ 6th year anniversary at their fifth exotic vacation spot. Or the summer influx of invitations to weddings with preceding bridal showers, lingerie parties and engagement photos 100 days prior to the wedding.
Listen. In the words of Kanye…..
…..It ain’t no joke.
Most of the items I mentioned above are just normal, commonplace, occurrences of friends and family who are growing and living their lives.
People take pictures. They share the pictures.
People get married. They share the marriage photos.
People have kids. They share every stage of their baby’s development (lololol).
This is just normal stuff. And quite frankly, because our generation operates in a more fiercely shared-economy (i.e. social media just runs the show nowadays), we have much more access to the personal scrapbook of others than we might’ve had if we were adulting 20 years or so ago. The circumstances are external, but they can certainly remind you of your own longing for a family, namely a spouse who can be your companion and kids to call your own that you can raise yourself. All normal.
The internal landscape of our hearts might include as well a mixed bag of sadness and even emotional fatigue of constantly choosing to not compare yourself, to not envy, to not question if you missed out on something or missed a step in your younger years. Without putting in the work of reflection, prayer, safe places to talk to friends, and counseling, it can be simply be far too tempting to grow sour about your own singleness or maybe even turn off your faith for marriage. Trust me, I completely understand.
But maybe.
Maybe there’s a way to reframe your singleness to not be so negative.
Maybe you can genuinely have a positive attitude towards being alone. (This isn’t a joke).
Maybe there’s a level of work you have to do to learn to enjoy yourself while single (almost equivalent to married couples learning to enjoy their marriage through every phase of their lives).
Maybe you’ve got to face the beautiful opportunity of owning your singleness and changing the sad narrative you naturally feel or have been influenced to believe.
And that’s the purpose of this blog post.
There’s a place for venting your emotions. Being honest about your hurt, loneliness, disappointment. But griping about singleness can’t become your norm and mode of operating. It’s just not healthy, my friend.
Over the years I’ve learnt that my tongue is like a rudder to my soul. Powerful driver of my emotions. And a leader in my own thinking. So if I talk about singleness in a negative light – whether jokingly or not – with friends and family, I may be reinforcing a negative attitude, working against myself.
But if I can choose to find the positives. Talk about them. And make an effort to meditate and dwell on the positives, I will foster a genuine happiness and a better perspective on life. In the words of Valorie Burton, “happy women live better.” To that end, here’s a list describing the 5 silver linings of singleness:
You have lots of time.
I’m not saying you’re schedule isn’t full. And I’m certainly not saying you always feel like you can get everything done. What I am pointing out here is marriage and children requires time, focus, and dedicated energy. Just think for a moment – when was the last time your sleep schedule was predicated on a new resident of society who couldn’t stay asleep for longer than 3-hour spurts? When was the last time you had to schedule a nanny to watch little people who look like you so you can go off to an event or a date? TONS. If you had these two responsibilities right now, it would probably shift some things that you truly are enjoying with your time currently (either out of the picture completely OR to an indefinite later date). So, while you’re single, continue or begin to appreciate that you have lots of time to give to your career, church, non-profit organizations, your immediate family, or passion projects. Begin to see that while your single, you can use this time to experiment, make lasting impacts, or explore a bit for your own personal benefit and others.
You can take risks.
No one’s talking about stupid risks. (But then, again, what is stupid and what is a risk is soooo subjective). The idea is once you have a family or even just a spouse, your own willingness to explore a new opportunity, change direction professionally, return to school or not is probably going to change. While single (and depending on your own temperament) there’s a huge opportunity for you to be agile professionally, change your lifestyle, and take a chance on an investment of your time or money. Give some space to appreciating those risks you’ve taken. Cherish them. Good, bad, or ugly. I bet you learnt something treasurable from each.
You have more bandwidth for friends and depth with close ones.
This may not apply to you if you’re a staunch introvert and antisocial with a capital A. But the reality is, it’s madly difficult to even maintain friendships when you’re married (per all my married friends who don’t be calling me back lololol. #AllLove #CallMeBackTho), let alone kick-off new ones. So the idea here is, while you’re single you can allow yourself to grow deeper with current friends *and* make space for new ones. This is a wonderful thing to invest in. Whenever you can share a unique experience, an event, or a conversation with an old or new friend, you’re allowing yourself to give and receive love that has nothing to do with romance (the glamorous idea of love that many of us want in a relationship). And that is an epic marker of maturity. Feel free to increase your friends’ love tanks through your words and actions and let them do the same.
You can change your whole lifestyle at the drop of a dime.
Ok ok ok, maybe not the drop of a dime (that’s like around 3 seconds), but get the pic. Think about it: If you wanted you can probably quit or change your job; figure out where you want to move to and the lowest cost to move there; and then – boom – just go. The feeling is you can take advantage of singleness being like a sporty coup rather than a family mini-van with kids car seats. If you really wanted to change something major in your life, there’s just less obstacles to do so. This applies to minor stuff to: Wanna take a class 3x a week on Tuesday and Thursday at 6 pm. No sweat. Add to the calendar. Wanna change up your weekend routine and have lunch in the arts district of your city. #Done and #Done. No family meeting. No calendar analysis. You can just go do that.
You can reflect God’s leadership and love in your life unlike married couples.
It is quite the norm to hear how God answered people’s prayers for a husband and kids at engagement parties and weddings. Finding a compatible spouse and learning how to lead a family are unequivocally hard things to discover (#GodHelp). But there’s a space in our collective communities to see how God can satisfy the hearts of people who are single (especially if you’ve been a single for a substantive amount of time) by answering their unique prayers. Maybe that’s greater confidence in yourself. Maybe you’ve had a vision for a book you want to write. Maybe there’s a business you’ve wanted to start. Maybe you’ve returned to school in order to improve your professional life. Or maybe you’ve started a ministry or are endeavoring to an overseas missions project and would like God to answer your pointed prayers where you’ll be working. Maybe you’ve been praying for healing in a certain area of your body, your family or for someone else. The idea here is singles have the silver lining of being a sign of the beautiful leadership of God (sans the conventional expected guideposts of a husband and/or marriage responsibilities). As a single woman, you can remind people that absent of a marital commitment, your life is still filled with love, purpose, sacrifice, responsibility, honorable conviction, and celebration. So do so. Like now.
Good news, you singles, you’ve got lots of things to be grateful for.
What’s one clear thing that you’re uber thankful for while single?