I’ve observed there’s two forms of dating.
There’s dating and you’re in a clear relationship. Clear status of bf or gf, significant other, boo, whatever term you use, and this is known by others in your circle. And then there’s dating as in getting to know someone to see the level of compatibility.
Some people don’t like the whole dating word. To some it can connote promiscuity, emotional entanglement, friend with benefits scenarios, etc. And so, what’s happened in a lot of faith communities is they’ve replaced the word with “courting” which is something like intentional steps to exploring compatibility towards marriage.
My opinion is there’s room for judgment on what word to be used. Maybe for you, it’s a non-issue. And maybe for you, it matters. In my teenage years and early 20s, I remember really appreciating the whole courting idea. It was clear, it was safe, and it was intentional. At the time, I lived in a strong faith community where courting was the word of choice and everyone knew what that meant. Now in my early 30s, I live in a bigger city and a smaller faith community, dating seems like a more appropriate term.
And to be honest and simply, courting can be a very strong and presumptuous expectation. It’s like showing up, being attracted to someone and then thinking you have the right to court them. And maybe that’s not the way it works…Or maybe I’m over-simplifying it. On the other hand, dating can seem too casual, but at least it takes the edge off and allow you to not pre-commit emotionally to someone you don’t know or hardly know.
The best definition I’ve heard is – you date to gather information. And the more information you learn about someone, the better you can choose how you’d like to proceed.
And for me, it’s all been a slow process and journey. Mostly because, I take matters of the heart + the concept of marriage so seriously. In my early 20s, I didn’t make time for dating. I was super guarded and kept myself preoccupied – work, family, church. And what’s more, I generally thought life would just flow into a relationship. Boom: engaged + then married. In retrospect, I realized for some people dating happens naturally and for others not so much. Throughout the years, I’ve noticed the internal work that I had to do get ready to date.
I had to realize there are invisible qualities that I might possess that detract men from me.
For example, all my life I have heard that I intimidate men. And so, one of the things I had wanted to do mentally was brainstorm (whether I believed it or not) what have I been doing or saying (especially non-verbally) that may come off intimidating. And one of the things I saw in myself is that I can get so driven and so passionate about my goals, my agenda, my focus that I can forget to just chill. Just be.
I realized there’s a place for flirting.
Several years ago, I was serving at a retreat and one of my pastors randomly (as he so often does) asked me “Hey, do you flirt?” … and at the time, I had no clue what made him ask this question and was taken aback at how left-field that was. (He didn’t ask me “Hey how’s life? How’s your relationship with God? Prayer life?” … he simply asked, do you flirt? What???)…. In retrospect, as I began to open myself to dating, I realized I was naturally averse to it – averse to even flirting – because of fear, pride, and sheer unfamiliarity with getting to know someone romantically. Something as simple as flirting seemed awkward and lame. But I learned to get over this. Flirting has it’s place. And its as simple as recognizing when to be extra-friendly as opposed to just courteous. It can serve as an icebreaker to a conversation.
I had to get over my pride in talking about my struggle with dating.
Just talking about it was a threshold I had to cross. Bringing it up to my folks, my friends, and even mentors were all roads I had to cross. But honestly, this was truly helpful for me to see that every arena of life doesn’t have a playbook…. You might learn principles, best practices, hear stories from others. But knowing the exact step to take is just not the way life works.
I had to open up my schedule, make space to relax, and meet people.
Sometimes as a young professional or anyone working on personal projects, you can get so focused on your goals – you get tunnel vision – and totally forget about time with friends and making time to meet new people. As I got older, I noticed a slow drift towards home swag. Thursday night. Home. Friday night. Home. Saturday night home. #Winning. (#Nahhh). I just had to re-learn in my mental preparation for dating to mark some nights as “dating nights” to just make it easier for me to say yes to coffee or dinner with someone who might be interested.
I had to overcome the stigma of online dating.
For some reason, I had this idea that online dating was taboo. Not sure why. But I just thought it wasn’t needed; that it was either a sign of desperation or that you were the left-overs. And so, I had to reframe in several ways a). I had to become super aware of my life routines and culture. In the past, I noticed my life the itinerary of my day-to-day included 4 places for the most part – work, home, gym, church. (This is an observation several years ago, and was my routine at that time). I wasn’t getting much of a chance to be with girlfriends or with eligible single men. And so, I realized my own personal need for me to meet people conveniently. B) Lounges, night clubs, and sports bars weren’t my cup of tea. So I didn’t go to these places. It’s not in my spectrum of tastes. C) As I became very aware of my habits, I realized that online dating was just another venue to meet people. That’s it. Yes, you can be deceived, catfished, disappointed, and it may just not work. But, I didn’t find the risks any higher than meeting someone in regular life (except for the catfish part). Hearing how other people met online and got married was helpful for me to see that it’s just another tool to approaching a pre-dating relationship. I had to get over the fact no one cares how you met your significant other. When you’re 5, 10,15 years into a marriage, no one is playing critical importance on where/how you met. So that helped me as well.
There’s plenty more things I’ve had to explore to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to date, all of which may not make it to a blog post. Each step of the way, I’ve enjoyed the personal growth, self-awareness, and confidence that learning to date has brought to me. Maybe that’s cheesy to some. In my book, it’s hella worth having.
What steps have you taken to be more open to dating and make room to meet people? Share your thoughts below.