Oh man. Listen. There’s so much literature out there about being single, how to get married, how to date, how to act, etc. and in no way do I want diminish the value from other sources but…. I think the Bible can be such a rich baseline resource in offering peace, understanding, and perspective about how to think about singleness.
So here are 5 principles from 5 verses from the Bible that have been huge in quieting my heart and enabling me to walk with confidence while single.
….
Marriage is temporary, folks.
Matthew [22:28] – Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?” Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
It’s important to point out, the script above is part of a conversation some religious folks were having with Jesus. (Check out the context). The question was a bit of a riddle to catch Jesus off-guard, and ill-prepared to answer something so confusing – if a woman rightfully married multiple dudes on earth, who would she be ultimately linked to in heaven (once she died). Jesus’ response is killer:
“At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage…”
Wait, what do you mean Jesus?
Marriage is sacred…but it’s not eternal. It is temporary.
It is a highly desireable expectation culturally and socially. With not enough words to describe its worth. But, nonetheless, it isn’t forever. And that’s worth noting. Why? Because while we’re alive, marriage will always hold the emblem of permanence and constancy. As it should. However, it helps to know Jesus words on this to sober up to the reality that marriage is temporary (and equally, my singleness is as well). It’s not as long-term as the longest of terms, i.e. eternity.
So…. If our marital status is temporary, then how should we regard singleness, in general?
Well, glad you asked.
Singleness is good.
8 Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. (1 Corinthians 7:8)
Look. We’re not gonna go into heavy detail about context. But I think it’s helpful to take a basic look at what this verse says. The writer and church planter, Paul, says singleness is good. C’mon now, let that sink in for a bit.
Singleness is good good good. Good.
Worth repeating because we viscerally feel marriage, romance, sex, or kids are symbols of success. And without those things, singleness can seem like the converse, leaving you feeling unsuccessful. But it doesn’t have to feel that way.
Paul goes into greater detail about why singleness is good. (For a deep dive into a theology about singleness, check out Tim Keller’s message here). But it’s helpful to be aware how we sometimes recycle discouraging thoughts about being alone. And youuuuuu know how it goes:
…..Replaying in our heads the images of hopeless romantics with unfulfilled ideas of love.
…..And then replaying that feeling you get when you leave a momentous occasion and no one to talk to about it while driving home.
Some of these things, all of these things, can allow us to adopt a collection of head trash about singleness that makes it smell like it’s not good. Or at least, that’s the feeling we can have deep down inside.
Truth is though, singleness is good even though our feelings can betray us.
Don’t believe the lie that singleness is bad and you’ve been missing out on something. You may just be missing out on the happiness within it! You can embrace its goodness without letting go of the desire to be married (ahem, today).
OK, I hear you and all. But if it’s good, how can I embrace that? How do I live that way?
Good question…
Honor God with your body, mind, and soul.
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable… (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
If you’re a person seeking to know God deeply (beyond showing up to church or doing good deeds), then you might already know that being sanctified means being pure. Part of embracing the goodness of singleness is realizing again and again what God says is good.
And what does He say?
Living sexually pure is good.
Living mentally pure is good.
And living emotionally pure is good as well.
Embracing the goodness of singleness is going to require checking your sexuality, your mental diet, and your emotions with God’s desires for your life. It’s focusing your energies to honoring God with your whole being. And most importantly, embracing the goodness of singleness involves leaning into God’s joy over you (right where you are), knowing what pleases him, and getting His heart for you. At first thought, this can seem like a huge step. (Huge!) And it is. It’s interesting to note, though, when we desire marriage – and say things like “Boy, do I want to be married…” – the very same fiber of our person is brought to the table in vows of marriage. In other words, if we know marriage is a crazy big step, requiring our full commitment, then it would be safe to say as singles you can and should practice making a commitment to honor God specifically in the way you view your sexuality, your thoughts, and your emotions. Keep these aspects as prized items in your life, safeguarding them from confusion, perversion, and sin.
This might be hard to understand at first (and I’m trusting that you would pray and seek for greater wisdom on this topic as well.)
But how can I lean into God’s pleasure? What’s that involve?
Thought you’d never ask….
Enjoy the responsibility and freedom God has given you.
15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” (Genesis [2:15])
As a single, you have tremendous opportunity to lean into God’s pleasures on two levels (I’m sure there’s more) — Taking your responsibilities seriously and enjoying your freedoms.
A funny and beautiful fact is, the word Eden in scripture, means…. [insert: drum roll]
Pleasure.
Listen, I’m giving God’s word a blank stare right now as I write this bc I still have a hard time believing sometimes].
But, seriously: Pleasure.
So in God’s blueprint of creating man, he tells his first creation (Adam) to work in an environment full of pleasure and take care of it! Wait, wait, wait, what’s this mean? you say.
Well it could mean that as a single, you probably should think about linking your job/career with things that bring you pleasure – from the actual job description to the environment you want to work in. (Like for real for real.)
Secondly, when God gives Adam a ridiculously tremendous amount of freedom in the Garden (i.e. “You are free to eat from any tree…)and a boundary marker or rule (i.e. “but you must not eat from [this one]”), it speaks to the way we can and should view life today. Yes, there are boundaries – actual things you shouldn’t do (read: sin). But did you catch God’s invitation for joy?
That is, as a single woman, you’ve got an epic ton of freedom. Like awhole-lotta. (Yes, that is a word.)
You’ve got so much freedom, the statue of Liberty is doing the nae nae.
You’ve got so much freedom, Harriet Tubman is waiting on you to create Underground Railroad 2.0.
You’ve got so much freedom, angels in heaven are eating popcorn on the edge of their seats to see what you’ll do with it.
But you’ve got to realize it yourself.
As a single, realize that God has inherently given you tons of freedom for you to enjoy your life.
Too often, we squander the freedom by inappropriately focusing on the things we can’t do, won’t do, scared to do, or have been trained to think we shouldn’t do. (Or even focusing on the things in our day that we shouldn’t do because they are sinful e.g. pre-marital sex, drunkenness, dishonesty, etc.)
The principle here is though you’re single, you’re not sick, not stuck, not trapped, nor bound to live a boring life. Go make the most of your “Eden” – the place God has put you to work and tend. And go enjoy the many different things you can do to have fun.
Anything else?
Yep.
Make wisdom your best friend.
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity… (Ephesians [5:15]-16)
As millennials are statistically getting married later and later, people are finding themselves (myself included) with more time to explore, figure themselves out, and live life unchecked by the constraints of marriage and children. It’s been said that 40 is the new 30; and thereby, 30 being the new 20. While that shift in perspective might sound cute, let’s be honest about what isn’t cute: Living like a teenager in your 20s-30s. That’s just not cute, friend!
Listen. By no means do I want to sound preachy. I’ve noticed in my own life how much I’ve connoted marriage with a higher tier of adulthood than singles can have. The thought that without a spouse and kids you’re less of an adult is just head trash. Simply not true. As a single, you can live just as wisely as someone who is married with children. As a single, you can harness your time and energy to maximize your time alone.
That might mean getting closer to God.
It might mean doubling your earning potential.
Or it may even mean forming new friendships and salient memories with old ones.
But it’s on you. Not your family. Not your friends. Nor your mentors. You.
So feel free to walk arm-in-arm with wisdom as your BFF. Wisdom is the mother of street smarts. So, let her guide you on how to be clever, strategic even. And let wisdom help you take your dreams and make them small-scale goals.
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