Basically, to keep it super simple for this blog piece, I just made a plain list of things I’ve heard that have annoyed me over the years. And before I go over this list, I want to talk about the feeling just a tad bit and Kanye West. Y’know, I am not a fan of Kanye by any means, never bought an album, never really listened to any of songs. But what I am a fan of is he’s not afraid to express how he really feels about something even though no one understands him or his goal. So, I was in the middle of creating a blog post about singleness and I wanted to capture the frustration or the exact sentiment visually for this post and I came across a new interview Kanye gave on Ellen’s show. And at this point, I don’t even care about Kanye’s music as much as I care about HOW he interviews – that’s like real entertainment for me. And here’s why. Ellen is interviewing him for one thing, and Kanye like hijacks it and goes on a rant about something completely different…and I kid you not, I loved it. Why? Because in a world, where everyone is sooooo scripted, plastic, and routine, he’s seriously trying to make a point and his rawness is uber-refreshing. (His PR person must go bananas.) But what was interesting is there was a moment he mentions how everyone found this year’s Oscars to be a big joke about racism – where Chris Rock makes light of the ceiling and barriers of being a black actor in Hollywood….and Kanye goes from smiling and friendly to Ellen’s audience to “IT AIN’T NO JOKE” …..And that’s how I want to start this post. Friends, singleness is not funny.
Singleness is not a joke.
To add onto that feeling and give further context, I visited a church some time ago and it was really good. In the stream of examples where the pastor was talking about unanswered prayers, he talked about singles who have been asking God for a spouse and find themselves being in plenty of bridal parties. While everyone else is finding partners they’re alone. You could hear people in the audience begin to laugh. But when the pastor highlighted the mothers in the audience who have been trying to have a baby, spending money, praying prayers, and wondering why theyre not pregnant, the audience – in total contrast – was absolutely quiet, sober, and even respectful of it.
Singleness on a personal level is hard to deal with. But seeing the disparity in how we treat certain unfulfilled desires (let’s say, childless mothers) can feel like salt on a wound. Geez.
Moving right along — here’s my list of things that not only have been frustrated me but have been a common frustration of friends and acquaintances.
When so
meone asks “Why are you still single?”
And so, I feel like this question is annoying bc it presumes I have missed the boat or did something wrong while, simultaneously being an incredulous reaction to seeing that I am single. I’ve heard this from well-meaning, loving people. In one instance, I walked into the main campus of my church and one of the elders saw me for the first time in a long time and instantly said, “Wow, nice to see you, now why aren’t you married yet?” And I kid you not, I wasn’t ready to be greeted like that. Secondly, for some reason this is one of those starter questions in the dating scene from well-meaning guys. In general, I’ve grown to accept it no matter who’s asking while still believing it’s not an appropriate question in reconnecting with someone or in meeting someone for the first time. Basically, I think there’s better ways to word it.
When someone gives you the prolific advice that “You ca
n’t marry Jesus!?”
It’s frustrating sometimes when someone makes you feel your standards are too high. Full disclosure, I do find it helpful once every blue moon that no I, in fact, will not marry Jesus. LOL. But it is annoying when someone presumes you have high standards just because you’re single. To be specific, I don’t keep a laundry list of things I want my future husband to have; but I do have non-negotiables that are uber uber uber important for him to be. Those non-negotiables are the evidence that I do have standards and understand what it is I want and need. It makes no sense for me to have a better grasp of how to choose a car, rent an apartment, or choose a job but not extend the same discretion with someone whom I’d marry. But again, I’m not looking for perfection.
When married folks show aversion towards online dating.
I can recall an older woman and a single friend who both (at different times) offered their opinion about how online dating was off-limits or that I was not trusting God enough. This is frustrating because i) What if I’m not trusting while not dating online?; ii) Is it possible to trust God while dating online?; iii) These sites are the equivalent of another venue to meet someone. (More on that later).
When the Singles Ministry at a Church You’re visiting looks like the social clearance rack of people still “on the market.” Okay. Okay. Okay that might sound harsh. But I think you can catch what I’m saying. Y’all know how there’s a connotation for being single for a long time (I’ve felt it while being single!). The general sense is there’s something different, odd, or not normal about you. But sometimes that connotation is not even a connotation – it’s blazingly clear. Real talk. On one occasion, I went to a singles ministry event at a mega church in my city. The most anticlimactic thing ever. I mean, I had a total blank stare on my face throughout the entire event. Why? Because sincerely, I felt out of place (not saying I’m not odd) but I wasn’t expecting to see so many older people gather together; I wasn’t expecting to feel like being single reinforced an idea of “clearance rack” material; and I wasn’t expecting to be sooo turned off to a singles event. My mind was filled with crazy existential questions — Is this what my life amounts to? Why am I here? Where are all the amazing, handsome God-loving men at? Why isn’t this fun and what does this mean about singleness in general???
When women who have gotten in a serious relationship, engaged, or have become a newlywed prescribe a formula for finding your future spouse.
Again, this is from well-meaning, loving people. But if I had a quarter every time I heard someone’s thoughts on when marriage comes your way, I’d own an island. (Okay not really, but you get me).
First it’s – you gotta be totally focused on God.
Then someone else says, you gotta be praying and fasting for your husband
The next one says, you gotta completely forget about it;
Then another one says, if you cook it, he will come, as in “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Still another one says Walk in your purpose and then he’ll come.
Look, it’s not just annoying, it’s exhausting the different “formulas” I’ve listened to over the years. Not to mention the amount of self-help books that use only the most original titles “9 Reasons you’re still single” or “20 ways to prepare for marriage while you’re single.” Listen, I think there are kernels of truth in the love stories of different people; but I also think, it’s as if people start prescribing their shoe size as a “one size fits all” or “one size fits most” when in fact, your love story may just be completely different than what you’ve seen in anyone else’s life. And let’s be real – there are scores of people who have amazing marriages who were a mess before they were married.
When a guy expresses interest in you and uses mixed signals as a second language
Listen, I can’t even describe the levels of frustration right here. Like THE LEVELS. Let’s suppose there are levels to dating (and there are): Alright you have pre-dating (talking). Then there’s dating (you actually meet in person, event, etc. you’re getting to know each other). And let’s stop there for right now. In the midst of those phases, there’s sadly so much room for foolishness and wasted energy. Sometimes I don’t understand what’s going on in the male species, but I truly believe that females love clarity and some guys just thrive without it. In my head, I’ve just learnt to expect mixed signals and keep things light because the probability is high that nothing will come of this date. Not saying I can’t be hopeful, just saying the probability is high he’s not it. But essentially, when guys do this I-want you-but-don’t want you-but-let-me-play-with-your-emotions-within-the-span-of-48-hours tap dance, I’m just exit stage left.
When spiritual leaders/preachers talk about the gospel (or other life principles) in sermons and only relate it to the context of marriage
Amen and amen. I get it Pastor. Yes with a head nod. For starters, it is absolutely beautiful the symbolism that marriage bears of the kind of commitment God has to his church, and the church’s response as a wife to her husband (God). Precious. Timeless. Biblical. Irreplaceable. However, the frustrating part is when we use this illustration, even tangentially, my opinion is it breaks connectivity with me as a single woman who’s been single for awhile now; and I am part of a generation where most of us are single and probably could use that sort of connection. Is there no Scripture that relates the gospel to me as a single woman? Has God no analogies of how I symbolize his love while single? And that’s frustrating, because I think there are, but we just don’t use them. (More on that later, but you can totally refer to these principles and resources of godly encouragement for singles.)
When you’re attending your friends’ 3rd baby shower OR see middle school students you mentored (10 years ago) getting married and start reconsidering the meaning of life. There’s just no one to blame on this (there never was at the start). But this scenario is just to capture the countless conversations I’ve had with my circle of single friends who find themselves celebrating the life transitions of others around them and not finding the opportunity to celebrate in the same way. It’s a quiet frustration, really. As a single, I can completely understand not wanting to talk about this. It hurts. There’s a bit of anguish there. And really, a small disappointment with God. The laughable hard part is you can’t stop receiving the invitation to attend bridal showers, weddings, and baby showers. (And of course, you’ll go to support your friends). But it all can be a little hard emotionally.
When a travel package gives a ridiculous price reduction through a two-for-one package. And all you want in life is to be married so you can get that deal. Yep. Marriage has real 
benefits besides love and emotions. This travel package example is just a small example, but on a bigger scope marriage is a game changer. Economically, it can shift two people’s lifestyles and eases the burdens for bills and time commitments. If you’re single and not desiring to cohabitate, you can feel alittle frustrated of not having that benefit from businesses and on a larger scale. The burden to pay bills – all on you. The burden to track your finances – all on you. The burden to buy a home — all on you.
And lastly….
No pillow talk? smh.
What’s one frustration you’ve faced as a single woman?
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